The Lord
of the Files
This is the
terrifying and gripping story of a group of schoolboys who are flying
in a plane over the Pacific Ocean when the plane crash lands on an
island. They try to organise themselves under the leadership of
Ralph, who rescues important files detailing the students' homework
for the next term. He is aided by Piggy, who, as the boy with
glasses, is the only one intelligent enough to interpret the files
and allocate the homework which needs to be done before they are
rescued, especially as the glasses convey mystical powers onto the
wearer, a secret known only to Piggy. However, a faction led by the
evil Jack rebels and attempts to steal the files and take Ralph's
place as the boys' leader by virtue of possession of the Sacred
Files. In the ensuing battle, Piggy loses his magic glasses, and with
that his intelligence, and he falls off a cliff to his death. Then
the true lord comes to reclaim the Sacred Homework Files and the boys
start crying.
King
Solomon's Fines
This is the
epic story of a gruelling expedition across the Dark Continent by a
group of intrepid explorers with their trusty native African porters
to the ancient land of Sheba to uncover the hidden history of the
fabled visit by King Solomon to the court of the legendary Queen of
Sheba, most beautiful and alluring of ancient women of power, and to
locate the treasure said to be hidden there. They risk man-eating
wild animals, fiercely hostile tribes, ferocious storms and rancorous
internal disputes over the beautiful but pointless female that they
take with them to arrive at their destination, only to discover
nothing more than the records of penalty notices issued to the
retinue of King Solomon by the Sheba State Police for parking their
camel trains in the wrong place.
The War
of the Words
One ordinary
day in Woking, south west of London, or maybe in New York, depending
on your viewpoint, nothing much is happening. Then there is a flash
in the sky and a strange spaceship crashes to earth. A crowd gathers
round as the never-before-seen alien craft, throbbing loudly in a
very non-pre-synthesiser-age manner, and giving off an eerie reddish
glow, lies smouldering. Then a strange arm-like object slowly rises
from the object with a flashing red light on the end. Suddenly, a
volley of words flies out from the end of the arm. The words are so
painful that people fall to the ground clutching their heads and
explode in clouds of dust, with comments like “you earthlings are a
bunch of non-entities” and “we Martians will wipe the floor with
you puny humans” horribly ringing in their ears. The evil Martians
fan out around the world and proceed to infect anyone within earshot
with their terrible put-downs, until suddenly, all the machines start
going out of control and crashing, with the Martians slowly perishing
from an unknown cause. It turns out that they have been infected by
the most banal utterances known to humanity, which humanity has grown
so used to that they have developed total immunity. Unfortunately for
the Martians, they have never encountered these utterances before and
it proves deadly to them – politicians' promises. Armed with this
knowledge, people all over the world blast the Martians with
proclamations of tax cuts, manifesto pledges of prosperity and
solemn-faced promises of firearm reform, and the world is saved!
Great
Expectorations
This is a
warm and touching 19th C novel about a young orphan called
Pip and his attempts to escape his lowly position and make a success
of his life. When he is young, he encounters a horrible escaped
convict called Magwitch, who forces him to bring him food and a file
to cut away his chains. Pip is mostly impressed by Magwitch's ability
to clear his chest of phlegm in huge quantities and resolves to be
like him, even after Magwitch is recaptured. He spends his youth
improving his chest-clearing abilities, and goes to live with an old
woman called Mrs Havisham, where he falls in love with Estella and
trains her in the niceties of throat clearance in exalted company. He
then finds out that he has received an inheritance consisting of
finance to build a chest-clearing device factory. He becomes rich
and finds out that it was Magwitch who gave him his inheritance.
Unfortunately for Magwitch, he falls desperately ill after the
biggest chest-evacuation he has ever attempted and dies. The factory
collapses and Pip loses all his money and with that his ability to
perform outsized mucus movements. However, he finally makes up with
Estella and they live out their lives together with their great
expectorations reduced to modest but manageable levels.
Peter Pun
This is the
magical and heart-warming story of boy who never grows up and can fly
owing to his ability to produce an apposite turn of phrase for any
occasion. He arrives at Wendy's house and persuades her to fly with
him to Neverneverland, where they will be able to indulge in magical
word plays all day. They fly off together after Tinkerbell sprinkles
Wendy with witty expressions to give her the power of flight. Once in
Neverneverland, they encounter Captain Hook, a dour, humourless
pedant, who leads a band of mirthless pirates that combat any kind of
witty wordplay with swordplay. Peter constantly raises his ire with
expressions like “have you hooked up with anyone recently?” and
“come on captain, I'm waiting for you to get stuck in”.
Eventually, the epic struggle of verbal witticism against cold
literalism reaches its climax when Hook is eaten by a giant
crocodile, with Peter wisecracking “fangs for the memory, it was a
jaw-dropping experience!”
The Lord
of the Rungs
This is the
epic tale of a small and simple Hobbit called Frodo, who, aided by
his fellowship of eight companions, must risk his life to protect his
world and rid Middle Earth of the greatest evil in its history, the
evil lord Sauron. In the mists of time past, Sauron created a giant
ladder leading to the top of Mount Doom which he invested with most
of his power. However, the ladder was destroyed in an epic battle at
the end of the second age and all its rungs were scattered far and
wide. Now Sauron has managed to recover most of the rungs, but one
rung remains, the last and greatest rung, which will complete the
ladder and allow him to ascend to the top of the mountain and regain
his lost power. Frodo's doughty band, led by the great wizard,
Gandalf, whose knowledge of ladders and rungs is unsurpassed, battle
through danger, horror and treachery, not least from the evil Gollum,
who himself once possessed the Great Rung and used to stand on it to
become invisible. Frodo, aided by his trusty servant, Sam, manages to
fling the rung into the fire of Mount Doom, thereby denying Sauron
his last chance to reach the top of the mountain, destroying the
ladder and his power in the process and saving the world. One small
step for a Hobbit, but a giant step for Elfkind, Mankind, Dwarfkind
and every other kind in Middle Earth.
Moby Duck
A crazed
ship captain known as Ahab swears vengeance on the denizen of the
ocean which has blighted his life for years. He pursues the creature,
a gigantic white quacking waterfowl known as Moby, and finally
corners it near an island where the bird is exhausted and doesn't
have enough room to take off. Ahab launches himself with his duck
harpoon at the massive aquatic avian, and in the ensuing struggle
gets himself tangled up, with the result that they both go to their
doom at the bottom of the ocean.
The
Adventures of Tom Lawyer
This is the
ripping story of the adventures of a poor boy living in a small town
on the banks of the great Mississippi river. His shenanigans involve
falling in love with his classmate, Becky Thatcher, hanging out in a
graveyard with his friend, Huckleberry Finn, and getting into all
kinds of trouble. However, he dreams of becoming a respected
attorney, and seizes his chance when he defends the town drunk, Muff
Potter, framed for murder by the local mob don Injun Joe, who
actually committed the crime in an attempt to take over the local
crime syndicate. Revealing, in truly dramatic fashion in the
courtroom, that Muff is indeed innocent, and Injun Joe is guilty, he
earns the accolades of the townsfolk and the eternal hatred of Joe,
who escapes and swears his revenge. In the end, Tom triumphs in the
face of adversity and travels abroad as a great international
advocate.
Look out for
more of these in the future if I can think of any.
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